Missile Defense "uncivil union"
theatrical protest event Script
Presented on Parliament Hill, Ottawa, February 7 2004
VALENTINE HEART: Good evening. This is Valentine Heart reporting to you -- live -- from Parliament Hill. This afternoon, Entertainment on the Hill brings to you a special live report, the much-anticipated wedding of Paul Martin, Prime Minister of Canada, and George W. Bush, President of the United States of America, to be united under the banner of the Ballistic Missile Defence Program.
We see here on the steps in front of the Centre Block of Parliament Hill the loving couple in their wedding attire. On their backs are 2 prototype rockets designed to blast ballistic missiles in the air. They are carrying bouquets as a sign of their affection -- bouquets of anti-missile rockets. They will be tossed into the crowd after the ceremony.
There are many questions about The Proposal. We'll be finding out more about that shortly in our exclusive interviews with the President and the Prime Minister.
But first, let's talk to the man who will be performing the ceremony: Mr. Dan Spoor, CEO of a local Ottawa military exporter, Lockheed Martin Canada Inc. Mr. Spoor is newly-appointed as Justice of the Peace -- although some critics are calling him, "Injustice of the War." Let's talk with him right now.
Mr. Spoor, what a lovely afternoon for a wedding! You look positively radiant!
DAN SPOOR, CEO OF LOCKHEED MARTIN CANADA INC.: Yes, a lovely afternoon indeed. It is an honour for me to be here.
VALENTINE HEART: Tell me, what brings you here today?
DAN SPOOR: Well, Ms. Heart, clearly this wedding will be very profitable for my company. After all, Lockheed Martin Canada Inc. is a highly-developed global enterprise in the business of the arms trade... you know, research, design, manufacture and integration of electronic defence and surveillance systems.
VALENTINE HEART: And how will this marriage profit your company, Mr. Spoor?
DAN SPOOR: We are hoping to cash in on the Ballistic Missile Defence Program. Billions and billions of dollars to be made, you know. With Bush and Martin hitched, the sky's the limit for arms traders. More weapons to make and sell. (Getting into the spirit of things, Dan mimics shooting.) BANG! BANG!
VALENTINE HEART: Mr. Spoor, aren't the millions of dollars of profits from the Iraq Invasion and Occupation enough?
DAN SPOOR: (pronouncing with difficulty) "Eee-nuuuuffff." Hmmm. Uhhh.... what does that word mean??
VALENTINE HEART: And what about subsidies to the weapons industry from the federal government? Why do you need this Missile Defence program too?
DAN SPOOR: Everyone knows that the Missile Defence Program can't handle weapons that are too small or too big. Enemy countries, those rogue states, will threaten to develop bigger nuclear warheads and decoys. Before you know it, we'll need NEW defence projects. Soon we will have weapons in space! Mmmmm... weapons in space.... (talk and drool like Homer Simpson.)
VALENTINE HEART: Mr. Spoor, you are drooling on my microphone. (Wipes microphone with SPOOR'S tie and turns away disgustedly.)
DAN SPOOR: Doh!
VALENTINE HEART: And over here, making sure that all the preparations are in place for their ceremony, is the happy couple. Let's see if we can have a word with Paul Martin.
Prime Minister. A good afternoon to you. And congratulations on your happy day!
PAUL MARTIN (rubbing his hands together): Yes, a happy day indeed. A happy, happy day... for Canada, for peace and prosperity, a great day for ordinary Canadians.
VALENTINE HEART: They say your love for George W. is truly explosive! Please tell our eager audience how you feel about the President of the United States.
PAUL MARTIN: Oh yes, you could say that we ignite a similar flame within each other. We are truly on the same wavelength. Take the issue of Ballistic Missile Offence for instance. As an ordinary Canadian, I am vehemently against war, but in this instance -- in a world of escalating terrorism -- we really have no choice but to arm ourselves to the teeth.
VALENTINE HEART: Excuse me, Prime Minister, did you say Ballistic Missile "Offence"??
PAUL MARTIN: Oh! Did I say that? I get "offence" and "defence" confused sometimes. As I was saying we really need to support our American friends.
VALENTINE HEART: Paul, it sounds a bit like George is trying to use you. What's in the deal for Canada?
PAUL MARTIN: Use me! Good heavens no! We understand each other perfectly. Our positions have been clear from the start. Even though he has Weapons of Mass Destruction and the largest military machine in the history of the planet, I think he treats me like an equal.
VALENTINE HEART: Paul, tell our viewers how you proposed to George.
PAUL MARTIN: I got down on bended knee and gave him my Missile Proposal. I told him that Canada is ready to do whatever it takes to implement Missile Defence, and I told him that I trusted his intelligence and judgment implicitly.
VALENTINE HEART: You got on bended knee? That is so romantic!
PAUL MARTIN: Oh, here comes Georgie now! Darling!
VALENTINE HEART: Mr. Prime Minister, tell us, how will the Ballistic Missile Defence Program benefit ordinary Canadians?
PAUL MARTIN: Oh ordinary Canadians will do very well. My sons, for instance, could get some more lucrative shipping contracts out of this.
I understand ordinary Canadians! Look at us! George and I are ordinary people, people in love! (Smooches George W.)
But just to clarify, I don't believe in same-sex marriage. That's just wrong. I'm sorry, that's just perverted. (George slaps Paul on the butt and makes him jump.)
VALENTINE HEART: Ah! Mr. George W. Bush, President of the United States of America. Please tell us about your love for Paul Martin.
GWB: Paul? Who in the hell is Paul?
VALENTINE HEART: Ummm.... Some people are calling your country the New American Empire. Tell us what the Ballistic Missile Defence Program will do for America.
GWB: We are in the New American Century! We will bring liberty and freedom to all those other little countries. Look what we did for Iraq! And THAT'S how we will keep Canada free! We will protect our military operations overseas from all those terrorists. Including those terrorists in Canada! I think you have terrorists in Canada, don't you?
VALENTINE HEART: Uhhh, I don't believe so.
GWB: The Ballistic Missile Offence Program will attack those terrorists, wherever we will find them. I don't care if they are attacking us in New York City, or in Iraq, or Afghanistan. I don't care if it's... Krickstan, Uz...kistan, Taj...Taj... Tajistan or Pakitown. We will attack them back!! We will attack them first. Why wait? You know what I mean??
VALENTINE HEART: Mr. President, the criticism that has been leveled against the Ballistic Missile Defence Program is that it doesn't even work, as well as being expensive. What can you say about that?
GWB: It don't matter much if it don't work. That's not the point, now is it?
VALENTINE HEART: Oh, okay.
GWB: And anyway, y'all have all that space up north. We need a lot of room for testing; after all, one missile missed its target by more than 100 miles. We can work a whoooole lot faster if we test up there where we don't have to worry about what we hit much.
VALENTINE HEART: I hear Premier Paul Okalik of Nunavut is worried about PCBs and toxic wastes from military bases up north.
GWB: If we don't succeed, after all, we run the risk of failure.
VALENTINE HEART: Yes, I can see that would be a problem.
GWB: I have made good judgments in the past, and I have made good judgments in the future.
VALENTINE HEART: Yes, yes, of course.
GWB: The future will be much better tomorrow.
VALENTINE HEART: Right. Well. Looks like the ceremony is getting under way! This is an exciting moment, everyone!
The Canadian public has refused to give Paul Martin away to George W., so our couple is coming up the aisle alone.
The ceremony is beginning with "Tears for the Bride", sung by none other than our world-famous choir, the Ottawa Raging Grannies!
RAGING GRANNIES SING "TEARS FOR THE BRIDE".
VALENTINE HEART: Thank you Raging Grannies. Always a delight.
Now, the happy couple has reached the alter, and is waving to the crowd. And the wedding ceremony begins!
DAN SPOOR: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of the Weapons Industry, to join together this President and this Prime Minister in Unholy Matrimony, which is a Profitable Estate, instituted of Greed, signifying unto us an Explosive Union that is betwixt the War Machine and Unelected Heads of State.
Do you, Paul Martin, take this President as your wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honour him, and help pay for a new arms race?
PAUL MARTIN: I do.
DAN SPOOR: Do you promise to accept George's Ballistic Missile Defence Program?
PAUL MARTIN: George, darling, I accept your Missile Defence Program.
DAN SPOOR: Will you put the interests of weapons makers and exporters ahead of ordinary Canadians, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?
GWB: (Looking confused.) In sickness and in health? Does this mean I get Public Heathcare?
PAUL MARTIN: Dearest George, honey-bunny and cootchy-coo, the Canadian public may be poor, sick and without medical care or civil rights, but I will forever love and cherish your military projects, until death makes us depart.
DAN SPOOR: And do you, George W. Bush, take this Prime Minister as your wedded puppet? Will you love him, comfort him, honour him, and forsaking all other Prime Ministers, do you promise to accept Paul's promises?
GWB: I do. But I just want to say, I reserve the right to have affairs with Tony Blair and John Howard whenever I want.
DAN SPOOR: And will you promise to smile and be friendly with Paul Martin when you pose for photo opportunities?
GWB: Sure! Why the hell not!
DAN SPOOR: And do you promise to give Lockheed Martin Canada Inc. all of your weapon contracts?
GWB: I promise you that I will certainly consider any and all of your military tenders. May the best price win!
DAN SPOOR (turning toward the guests): These two people, having exchanged their vows, come now to be wed. If anyone has a reason why this pair should not be lawfully joined together, SPEAK UP NOW! or forever hold your peace.
CANADIAN PUBLIC (making her way through the crowd): We object!
VALENTINE HEART: What is this?
CANADIAN PUBLIC: We object to the wedding.
VALENTINE HEART: No one was expecting this. Someone is crashing the wedding! Now this is getting interesting. And you are seeing it all -- live -- on Entertainment on the Hill. Who could it be?
CANADIAN PUBLIC (reaching the microphone): We, the people of Canada, have come to crash the wedding. We object to this unlawful union, this immoral charade.
VALENTINE HEART: This is amazing. Despite the agents of the RCMP, CISIS and the Ottawa Police here today, the People of Canada want to stop the wedding. Look how many there are of you. Wow!
(Addressing Canadian Public) Tell us, what has brought you here today?
CANADIAN PUBLIC: Paul Martin and Minister of Defence, David Pratt, have entered into negotiations with George Bush and U.S. Defence Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, to join the U.S. Missile Defense Program without consulting us, before it has even been debated in Parliament.
(Addressing Paul Martin) Paul Martin, we are here to oppose the Ballistic Missile Defence Program. The plan will escalate arms proliferation. It will make Canada LESS safe, not more. And it doesn't even work!
Paul Martin, we are here to say, do not think you can go behind our backs and sign a deal Canadians don't want!
VALENTINE HEART: We've been told that Canada is in the business of exporting military equipment to the U.S. But surely that cannot be true. Everyone knows that Canada is all about peacekeeping, right?
CANADIAN PUBLIC: Ordinary Canadians believe in peacekeeping. But the arms trade is a multi-million dollar industry in Canada, and corporations make money every time the US invades, bombs or occupies another country. Ordinary Canadians want a decent life, a job, some time with their families -- we don't want to pay for war.
(Turning back to the Jrs.) Paul Martin, Canadians stand for international law, multilateral negotiations, arms control and disarmament. Canadians are standing here, in the cold, wind and snow, for peace and justice. What do you stand for?
PAUL MARTIN: I'm afraid I can't comment at the moment. I'll just say that I don't care how big the demonstrations are, I won't be swayed by public opinion.
CANADIAN PUBLIC: Paul Martin, we have brought you an alternative: anti-missile rockets made out of cardboard. They carry our messages about what we think about Missile Defence. They cost a lot less and are much more effective.
This one says, "No to Missile to Defence". And this one says, "...." (Ad lib here) Everyone, bring your "wedding presents" to the front. Let's make sure that Paul Martin gets the message.
So, Jr. and Jr.: can you hear us?
Are you listening?
Canadian Public, what do we want to tell them?
Do we want U.S. Missile Defence here?
Can't hear you. Do we want Missile Defence? (NO!)
Do we want Son of Star Wars? (NO!)
Do we want corporations to profit from the arms trade? (NO!)
Do we want to protect American military operations overseas? (NO!)
Do we want any part of the New American Empire? (NO?)
Jr. and Jr.: are you listening?
NO TO MISSILE DEFENCE! (clap)
NO TO MISSILE DEFENCE! (clap)
NO TO MISSILE DEFENCE! (clap)
NO TO MISSILE DEFENCE! (clap)
(Canadian Public encourages the crowd to chant with her, building up volume and encouraging the crowd to clap. Paul and George are aghast and confused. After a decent interval of chanting, Canadian Public stops, still defiant.)
DAN SPOOR: (Yells out as soon as he can be heard.) I find the objections of the Canadian Public completely groundless. There is no lawful impediment why these two should not be joined.
Raging Grannies, please sing your next song, "Missile Toe". The wedding must go on!
RAGING GRANNIES SING "MISSILE TOE".
DAN SPOOR: With this Missile Defence Program I thee wed. In the name of the Profit, the Violence and the Total Domination. Amen
I now pronounce George W. Bush and Paul Martin united in Greed. Would you please step over here and sign the register to complete this transaction. (Dan Spoor holds the registry book open towards Paul Martin and hands him a pen.)
PAUL MARTIN: (Eying the crowd and hesitating.) George, darling, I think this Missile Defence is a truly fabulous idea whose time has come, but I want to postpone signing this deal until... until the fall. I need some time to think.
GWB: Paaaaaaul. Now hear this. You ain't got no reason for delayin'. Go on and sign. The Pentagon told me this morning that the deadline for Missile Defence Program has been moved up. It's going to be operational by this July.
Now if it's the election you are worried about, don't worry about that. I will instruct the folks at CNN and Can-West Global to put out a good line for you. Why, I'm playing golf with Conrad Black next week. Getting you in power will be a cinch.
PAUL MARTIN: Hey, who said I was worried about the election? I will sign the register, Georgie, really I will. (But instead of signing, he turns to the crowd, smiles broadly and waves.)
With the Liberal government in power, we promise more money for health care and municipalities. That means dollars for social housing and roads, everything that Canadians care about. See you at the polls.
(Paul continues to smile broadly and wave, and moves offstage. GWB and Spoor, clearly irritated, run after him, with the registry book open and pen held out for him to sign.)
VALENTINE HEART: The wedding ceremony has ended in confusion. Tune in, folks, for the next broadcast of "Entertainment on the Hill" to discover the future of the Missile Defence Program, and the safety and health of the Canadian Public, the global community, and the earth. Find out if the explosive love between Paul and George survives. Find out if they get elected or not! Find out if the Canadian Public will succeed in stopping Canada's involvement in the U.S. Missile Defence Program.
CANADIAN PUBLIC: (leads the crowd in more chants) NO TO MISSILE DEFENCE! (etc.)